Life Begins at 40

So here I am, 40 years old, and still very much me. I have become a grandmother, though we are calling me Meemaw instead, to my first Grandchild Kaylee, a beautiful, happy, and healthy little girl. She has her whole life ahead of her, so many possibilities, so much potential, I hope to be as amazing as my own grandparents, and be a positive contributor to the woman she will become. 

      We also have new life happening on our forever farm, our third year of raising chicks has started far earlier, with the addition of these two adorable chicks our Zelda has hatched.  

  The rain and wind have been crazy out here, and when the soil is really wet, a good wind is sometimes all it takes to do this. My poor beloved kombi, Annie, was so close to being back on the road, this hurt, but we are grateful to have some wonderful friends. Sonia and Ron came around and were just amazing, with Ron on the chainsaw and Sonia helping drag the offcuts, the tree is off the cars now, and they are definitely going to need some work.  

 

 

The saddest part of this post is painful to write, just six days after my birthday, we had to say goodbye to our beautiful bear, my beasty, Murphy.

The spawn look sad because they know this is Murphys last walk. 

 

 

 

Today he would have been 10 years old, but making it to almost 10 is an amazing feat for a Newfoundland, and he was amazing, and I miss him more than I can bear most days. 

Our last photo together.

 

 

I keep expecting him to be at the door when I come home, at the kitchen step when I'm cooking, at my feet when I am home during the day etc. He has been my almost constant companion, and champion doorway/walkway blocker for almost ten years, his absence leaves a huge hole in our home and my life. I am so blessed that he chose me, and when I can type without my tears blocking my vision, I will tell you more of his tale. For now, happy birthday my bear, I carry you in my heart wherever I go, and your fur, it's still everywhere, in my books, on my clothes, in my food, on my bed, in the car... I know i will still be finding little pieces of you 20 years from now, and wouldn't have it any other way. I hope there is chocolate, and belly rubs, and all of your favourite things wherever you are boofa. We miss you fluffbutt.    So now a new chapter begins at 40, the sad, learning to live without my bear, and the joy, a new role as a Grandmother. Oh, and my birthday present?   

Everyone in the family chipped in to give me this gears of war Xbox one s, it was the best surprise birthday present ever!    'Til next time, Bek.     

Finding Myself...

It has been far too long since I last took to this keyboard to write about my world, inner or real. So much has changed, too much hasn't, as I experience the last six months of my thirties, I am struggling to feel the sense of accomplishment I anticipated at this point in my life. Equally difficult, is to pinpoint the exact point it all went awry, there is far too much self-pitying reflection going on lately. Is what I'm experiencing just your average midlife crisis?

Veggie patch 3.0, last year, 2.0, was the straw bale beds in
 the background

Once upon a time, we would celebrate 40 as a huge achievement in longevity, now we could live happily to 80, and 40 becomes for some of us, a cause to grieve for our youth, lament our mistakes, resentment for things we haven't done, or situations that held us back or pushed us off the path we wanted to be on. This is not where I want to be, how many opportunities have I missed out on,  I haven't always made the best decisions.

Helpful spawn, this time we are trying a hugelbed like system.

What have I done that makes my life worthy, how will I be remembered, what really is the meaning of life? Does my existence really have a lasting purpose. At the end of my life, will I count? Its not like I'm going to cure cancer, I'm just a mum, wife, daughter etc.

Murphy - the overseer 

I feel I'm being a little self-indulgent whining like this, it hasn't all been bad, and I am proud to have survived the things that were. There has been some amazing people and moments in my life, and I know I will have many more.



Maybe we sometimes experience a little craziness at our halfway mark, just so we have an opportunity to stop and take a different road, try on some different shoes, sometimes just for a mile, or they might be too comfy to take off. The Midpoint Mayhem could be a gift, of reinvention, a shaking of the quick from the dead, a chance to find the right track, see the roads less travelled, and gain a fresh perspective.




This could be more madness than musing, but I think I'm on to something here, this could be a chance to get off the beaten path, and discover things I couldn't have dreamed I could achieve, not a new me, a wiser me.

Bek.